2022 Wrap-Up PLUS Four Ways To Improve the Jam Band Industry in 2023
2022 is pretty much over. Just one more private event to play and I’m done. My year ruled overall. I got to talk into a mic and people listen to it on their phones. Also, I went to Iceland and Europe to do music stuff. Idk who cares. You should download my live album from last year off my website and give me money or buy my merch.
Ok, that’s enough about me. No one cares. One thing people care about more than my career or even their careers and families is the jam band industry. Coming out of the pandemic, there’s no secret that it’s been a bit of a struggle. Ticket Sales are down and nitrous prices are skyrocketing.
That’s why I am proposing these four measures in 2023 to make it better:
1. No New Songs – The jam band songbook is complete. Jerry Garcia is our Irving Berlin and Trey Anastasio is Gershwin. It’s all been done. If you want to LARP as your favorite band. Don’t write extremely similar songs. Cover them instead. That’s what people want. Of course, there are some exceptions to this rule, like anything I’m involved with or anyone that hires me.
We need MORE tribute bands and FEWER studio albums. If you were creative, you wouldn’t have a PRS in the first place.
The NEW model for a successful band is JRAD/Pink Talking Phish/That One Sublime Tribute Band. People want to hear 12-minute guitar solos in E over songs where they already know the lyrics you sang during the first set.
Jam band ticket sales are lower than ever and it’s because they are trying to write new songs, not the pandemic like everyone thinks. You’re playing the same chord changes anyways. Sing the words from the 90s instead. If Drake doesn’t need any new friends in his 30s, you don’t need any new songs.
2. Percussionsists Must Pass a Standardized Test – Revenue is down and costs are up. In this financial climate, how can you possibly justify hiring a percussionist? Unless they are extremely skilled, they serve very little purpose. Add to that the fact that they have more gear than the entire touring party of a headlining DJ and you’re losing both stage space and money.
This is why I’m proposing a standardized test for percussionists, designed by Jason Hann of the String Cheese Incident, that each player must pass before they are allowed to tour or play a music festival.
3. Every Band Must Have at Least One Woman – Every jam band must have at least one woman. Not because women are just as good at music and are underrepresented. It’s to improve each band’s social media engagement.
When you have a woman in your band, middle-aged men who haven’t been in a relationship since their lot girlfriend left them for a “boring sellout” guy with a full-time job and a credit score over 475 have something to comment on. They can now make unprompted comments about the musician’s looks and what they’re wearing. Adding to that engagement will be the laundry list of responses calling them the creeps that they are. BOOM you’re in the algorithm now, bitch.
Once again. This is not a pandering attempt to promote gender equality. I’m simply trying to give bands tips on how to increase and improve their social media engagement. The jam band industry is powered by creepy middle-aged men. Harness their power.
4. More Beefing – I’m just gonna say it. Jam bands are waterlogged with musician dads who are faithful to their wives. That’s great for longevity, but not so great when it comes to drama and rumors. These guys are too busy being productive members of society and raising kids to stir up some beef. The rap industry has mastered this marketing ploy and since black people already do it, the jam band scene should have no problem copying it and using it for their own gain.
What I’m saying is, the jam band industry would be much better off if people woke up to stuff online like the Magic Beans calling Pigeons Playing Ping Pong “bitchmade” on Twitter because they accidentally took their parking spot at a festival in Maryland over the weekend.
Disclaimer: The opinions and views expressed in this blog do not necessarily represent my actual real-life attitude. It is a joke for fun. I’d like to issue an apology to the single middle-aged white guy community in advance. You should still come to shows I’m on and listen to my music and hire me and stuff.