I bought a guitar last month. I have practiced precisely five times since. This makes me qualified to comment “Where’s the soul?” and “No feel” on videos of a world-class jazz guitarist because they were playing in tune. As a newfound expert on the guitar, I am sure you are interested in who I think are the five greatest guitar players of all time.
Instead of a list rehashing the same list of guys who dated 15-year-olds in the seventies. Here are my five most overrated guitarists of all time.
1. The Lead Guitarist in Your Favorite Jam Band – The guitarist in your favorite band is not that good. They’re just the one you were listening to the first time you did molly in public. Listen to the guitarist in your favorite band on a weekday afternoon someday. Pretty bad, actually. Pause the video. Oh no. You just realized he plays a PRS.
2. The Blues Lawyer – He stopped sleeping with his wife 7 years ago and he has $4500 to blow at Guitar Center today because his parlay finally hit. He’s rich, making him so out-of-touch that he doesn’t even realize being a guitar player isn’t cool anymore. He should have purchased DJ Equipment.
The Blues Lawyer’s next step is to go watch local musicians and watch the light leave their eyes when he corners them on set break and tells them about the vintage Gibson he bought on Reverb.
The guitar is hanging in his basement next to his framed concert ticket collage. It might as well be a sword bought at the renaissance fair. He’s played it three times. His wife is messaging her high school crush on Facebook Messenger. He will sell it during the divorce.
3. The Church Band Guitarist – Hillsong head ass guitarist. Hillsong head ass haircut. Shiny shirt head ass. Just way to handsome to be in a religious band. No one that handsome needs god.
4. The Edge – The edge is a delay pedal wearing a scarf.
5. The Guy Who Plays Barefoot – These guys always sound like a granola bar being run through a tube screamer. They also smile way too much. Hey, bro. You don’t look warm and inviting. You look like Ted Bundy asking a 19-year-old bonde to help him change the tire on his Volkswagen Beetle.
By the way, I know you’re thinking the barefoot guy is covered in the jam band category, but it’s not. This is because no one in a successful jam band plays barefoot. They’re wearing $300 Hokas. The jam band Jordans.
6. Billy Strings – Just kidding. Billy Strings rules.
Who’s your most overrated guitarist?
